The Dark Truth of Depression

The other night I found out that Robin Williams had passed on. He was open and honest about his struggles with depression. It makes me think of my random spirals. I haven't been there in a little while but it isn't fun when you are there. When I'm there I realize that logically, some of those things swirling about in my brain are ludicrous but it doesn't stop those thoughts from occurring. You have to be strong enough that if you are feeling like this to reach out and get help from someone. That has never been one of my strengths. I like being there for others but I never want others to feel I am imposing on them.

I also realize that there are many people that would want me to reach out to them if I was feeling this way but upon reflection there are very few people that I would confide in to that level. The people that I've chosen to claim forever regardless of what else in life happens are very few. I love them so much. I love them more than myself. In most cases, I could stop myself from going too far down the crazy spiral because I wouldn't want to do that to them. Regardless of how I feel, I couldn't ever do that to them. It does cause me slight worry about what would I be if they weren't about. I am also bothered by the fact that I don't want to cause them any stress or worry on my part so, sometimes I would rather just leave these important things unsaid. It is a serious problem. One I work on overcoming. Perhaps it is all okay as long as we keep puttering on.

Bill Withers - Lean on Me

In Good Will Hunting, Sean Maguire (Robin William's character) said "You don't know about real loss because it only occurs when you've loved something more than you love yourself. I doubt you've ever dared to love anybody that much."
I think that many people do try to avoid loving that much. But it's part of the fabric of my being. When you have people that are so incredible and you've had the fortune to know them... why wouldn't you love them with everything you have got?

Additional reading:
Risk Factors and Warning Signs of Suicide
Let's Not Call Suicide Selfish

Being Done and Being Happy

Apparently when I am done, I am DONE. I didn't realize the level of done-ness I could achieve.

It is a true thing that once I find out something about myself that I don't want to stay that way, I get on it PRONTO and change that shit. What I apparently didn't realize is that once I am over it, I am O-V-OVER IT. I have found happiness and contentment and I'm not going away from it. This is the current motto of my life.

I think everyone should find out what this is and embrace it. Don't give a shit about what anyone else thinks of what makes you happy, just find it for yourself and go for it with everything you have got.

Emergence

I've been thinking a lot lately and wondering where my abounding confidence I had as a child has gone. My best friend mentioned that he believes there is a certain amount of us is strong as a child because of our naivety. After considering this, I believe he is correct. As I child I had utter faith in humanity, because why shouldn't I? Sure people did shitty things, though I thought they must have made a mistake or were just horrid people. It takes a new level of comprehension and decision to decide that you are going to have abounding confidence as an adult. I feel like I'm not really as naive anymore. I know more about the world than I sometimes wish I did. In a way, accepting the world and still maintaining to be yourself regardless of everyone and everything else, as an adult, is a feat one should be proud of. Even though I have finally come to a place of knowledge, I still wish the world could be everything I dream it is or could be. A place in where people could be content and joyous for others finding, discovering, and being themselves. But yet there are so many lovely people I have met who have such open mind's and hearts that it's easy to see what greatness the world could amount to. In surrounding myself with wonderful people, I came upon the realization that somewhere along the way I lost myself. In a glorious way, I have emerged from this lost forgotten place and embraced myself and the person I am. I eagerly anticipate the journey ahead of me.

Sometimes I feel that journey should be when I embrace my hermit-dom. I get the feels too much. I care too much. These are things that I've been told countless times and they are true every time. There can be benefits to caring, but sometimes it just feels like a burden. I'm a burden. I don't mean to be a burden or feel like I'm being a burden, I just do. I feel like I'm complicated when all I want is simplicity. Perhaps it is simple, but I don't get it correctly. I have issues. I have faith and doubt in myself swirling about at the same time. I'm just going to choose the faith and hope for the best. Maybe I will embrace myself fully every day in the future, but for now, I'll feel my way to knowledge and understanding and acceptance.

Besties

Sometimes, just sometimes, life has a way of working itself out. I've always wanted a person that I could be my unreserved, utterly honest, crazy self with. Sure, I am myself around lots of people. But, I acknowledge that I'm a lot to handle. Some people can't always take the real me at face value. It's like they need a recharge after being around me. I also know that I have a husband that unreservedly loves me. He actually loves, not loves in spite of, the crazy contemplativeness, ridiculous notions, silly antics, and all those other things that make me, well me. But, somehow, it seems there is a different level of connection with my best friend. I can't really explain it, it just is.
So, life sometimes works itself out for you. It provided me with a much needed bestie. I could go through the motions of how we met and got to know one another, but it just seems more like a happy incident. Small random things that could have never been making your life the best version it could possibly be. I happen into conversations quite regular in which someone is asking if you could change something about your life, what would it be. For as long as I remember, I've said nothing. Now, before you think I'm crazy and my life couldn't be perfect, know that I am crazy but my life has nor will ever be perfect. But, one thing rings true, if this magical thing I could wish would have gone differently wouldn't settle me exactly where I am now, I should and would be pissed. Why? Because my life is awesome, ridiculously awesome. Why would I want to put this in jeopardy? Sure it's not perfect, but life itself isn't perfect. Life's roadbumps make life that much more interesting. For example think of one of those days that all the little things seem to be working against you, it's frustrating and you feel out of sorts. Then you randomly see your best friend and you weren't expecting to see them. You have a special moment like you do because they bring out the best in you and all of a sudden, it's a sing with the radio kind of day. You feel happy and can't stop thinking of what a lucky turn of events that was. You know you have your people and that's all that really matters in life. You need to find what matters to you and hold on to that.
Some stuff that matters to me: People that can be real with me and want to know the real me. That special connection. Plus other stuff.
But back to my bestie. He's fantastic. He brings me the giggles like few others can do. Well, technically only one other has done. He channels the best things in me. I don't know how it is I've survived this long without him. Technically, I don't know that he considers me his bestie, but I don't even care, truly. I know that he cares about me and that he has my back in all ways possible. What more is there to need? I certain don't know because I feel like I won the friend lottery. It's as if the thing I've always wanted has finally come to pass. I feel like Anne Shirley when she had found Diana her bosom friend and kindred spirit. It is a friendship in which you can confide your inmost soul. We have that connection and it's divine to have someone to share that love and caring and all that comes with it. It's great to be accepted and loved for who you are. It is even rarer to feel that you have found the awesome-est person in the world and you are able to be their beastie and they are your bestie.

80's Music Loop

I have gotten myself stuck in an 80's music loop. I don't know that I want saving. It is too fantastic.
The 80's were so awesome! I wish I could have enjoyed them more.
Here is some of the latest obsessions:

Nothing's Going to Stop Us by Starship


Love My Way by The Psychedelic Furs


True by Spandau Ballet


Drive by Cars


Hold Me Now by The Thompson Twins

Figment

So, Figment is a character on a ride in Epcot in Walt Disney World called Journey into your Imagination.

For the best understanding of who Figment is watch this video.  

or this one if you want to see the original ride (You can start around the 11:07 mark)

As a small child, I loved him. He was and is all about embracing your imagination. Well, I still love him.

Jen from Epbot shared that there was going to be a comic book made of Figment. I was so excited I immediately emailed my local comic book man and told him that I needed this when it came out. Today he gave me a promotional poster featuring Figment and Dreamfinder!

Also, I found this first-look/sneak peek of what the comic is supposed to look like.

Yay, for tiny sparks of imagination.

One little spark, of inspiration
Is at the heart, of all creation.
Right at the start, of everything that's new.
One little spark, lights up for you.

Two tiny wings, eyes big and yellow.
Horn of a steer, but a lovable fellow.
From head to tail, he's royal purple pigment.
And there, Viola!, you've got a Figment!

We all have sparks, imaginations.
That's how our minds, create creations.
For they can make, our wildest dreams come true.
Those magic sparks, in me and you.

Imagination, imagination.
A dream, can be a dream come true.
With just that spark, in me and you.

The Stabs

This, this right here is so important for people to know. Sometimes people want us to be the people they want us to be and therefore they sometimes force their ideologies on us. Neither is a good idea. It is things like this that show me why I am not a people person. Meaning, this is why I don't usually open up to people. Why be vulnerable and let everyone know who you are just so they can decide they don't like you for the person you are?
I know, I know. You can't behave this way 'cause of the crazy people. Well, I am putting out an effort. I would say a few people do know the real me and whomever in the internet world wants to learn more about me, it is right here. I urge you to do the same, if you aren't already. It is invigorating having someone care about you just because they like you for the person you are. And forget the haters. Only the people that care enough to want the real you around, are worth having around.