The Dark Truth of Depression

The other night I found out that Robin Williams had passed on. He was open and honest about his struggles with depression. It makes me think of my random spirals. I haven't been there in a little while but it isn't fun when you are there. When I'm there I realize that logically, some of those things swirling about in my brain are ludicrous but it doesn't stop those thoughts from occurring. You have to be strong enough that if you are feeling like this to reach out and get help from someone. That has never been one of my strengths. I like being there for others but I never want others to feel I am imposing on them.

I also realize that there are many people that would want me to reach out to them if I was feeling this way but upon reflection there are very few people that I would confide in to that level. The people that I've chosen to claim forever regardless of what else in life happens are very few. I love them so much. I love them more than myself. In most cases, I could stop myself from going too far down the crazy spiral because I wouldn't want to do that to them. Regardless of how I feel, I couldn't ever do that to them. It does cause me slight worry about what would I be if they weren't about. I am also bothered by the fact that I don't want to cause them any stress or worry on my part so, sometimes I would rather just leave these important things unsaid. It is a serious problem. One I work on overcoming. Perhaps it is all okay as long as we keep puttering on.

Bill Withers - Lean on Me

In Good Will Hunting, Sean Maguire (Robin William's character) said "You don't know about real loss because it only occurs when you've loved something more than you love yourself. I doubt you've ever dared to love anybody that much."
I think that many people do try to avoid loving that much. But it's part of the fabric of my being. When you have people that are so incredible and you've had the fortune to know them... why wouldn't you love them with everything you have got?

Additional reading:
Risk Factors and Warning Signs of Suicide
Let's Not Call Suicide Selfish

Being Done and Being Happy

Apparently when I am done, I am DONE. I didn't realize the level of done-ness I could achieve.

It is a true thing that once I find out something about myself that I don't want to stay that way, I get on it PRONTO and change that shit. What I apparently didn't realize is that once I am over it, I am O-V-OVER IT. I have found happiness and contentment and I'm not going away from it. This is the current motto of my life.

I think everyone should find out what this is and embrace it. Don't give a shit about what anyone else thinks of what makes you happy, just find it for yourself and go for it with everything you have got.

Besties

Sometimes, just sometimes, life has a way of working itself out. I've always wanted a person that I could be my unreserved, utterly honest, crazy self with. Sure, I am myself around lots of people. But, I acknowledge that I'm a lot to handle. Some people can't always take the real me at face value. It's like they need a recharge after being around me. I also know that I have a husband that unreservedly loves me. He actually loves, not loves in spite of, the crazy contemplativeness, ridiculous notions, silly antics, and all those other things that make me, well me. But, somehow, it seems there is a different level of connection with my best friend. I can't really explain it, it just is.
So, life sometimes works itself out for you. It provided me with a much needed bestie. I could go through the motions of how we met and got to know one another, but it just seems more like a happy incident. Small random things that could have never been making your life the best version it could possibly be. I happen into conversations quite regular in which someone is asking if you could change something about your life, what would it be. For as long as I remember, I've said nothing. Now, before you think I'm crazy and my life couldn't be perfect, know that I am crazy but my life has nor will ever be perfect. But, one thing rings true, if this magical thing I could wish would have gone differently wouldn't settle me exactly where I am now, I should and would be pissed. Why? Because my life is awesome, ridiculously awesome. Why would I want to put this in jeopardy? Sure it's not perfect, but life itself isn't perfect. Life's roadbumps make life that much more interesting. For example think of one of those days that all the little things seem to be working against you, it's frustrating and you feel out of sorts. Then you randomly see your best friend and you weren't expecting to see them. You have a special moment like you do because they bring out the best in you and all of a sudden, it's a sing with the radio kind of day. You feel happy and can't stop thinking of what a lucky turn of events that was. You know you have your people and that's all that really matters in life. You need to find what matters to you and hold on to that.
Some stuff that matters to me: People that can be real with me and want to know the real me. That special connection. Plus other stuff.
But back to my bestie. He's fantastic. He brings me the giggles like few others can do. Well, technically only one other has done. He channels the best things in me. I don't know how it is I've survived this long without him. Technically, I don't know that he considers me his bestie, but I don't even care, truly. I know that he cares about me and that he has my back in all ways possible. What more is there to need? I certain don't know because I feel like I won the friend lottery. It's as if the thing I've always wanted has finally come to pass. I feel like Anne Shirley when she had found Diana her bosom friend and kindred spirit. It is a friendship in which you can confide your inmost soul. We have that connection and it's divine to have someone to share that love and caring and all that comes with it. It's great to be accepted and loved for who you are. It is even rarer to feel that you have found the awesome-est person in the world and you are able to be their beastie and they are your bestie.